Grief Is Normal And Natural – Not Defective!
Grief is the normal and natural immediate reaction when your spouse dies or a loved one. The range of emotions that encompass grief is very wide, and is not limited to sadness. The feelings are a reflection of the many different aspects of your relationship with your spouse.
That range of feelings is also the normal and natural reaction when you are reminded that someone who has been such a big part of your life is gone, even if the reminder is months or years after their death.
God just needed another angel.
Portraying God as someone who arbitrarily takes our loved ones to fill celestial openings is neither faithful to God, nor helpful. Especially too the grieving parents of a child.
God wanted them there because they were such a good person.
No mortal can purport to know God’s purpose. People who don’t believe in God might also bristle at your presumption in attaching a religious significance to the loss.
We may not understand it, but this was God’s will.
Unless they are God, don’t use this line. Many people already feel angry with God and this won’t help at this time.
She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go.
I guess it was there time to go
Thank goodness you have other children,” or, “You’re young.
You can have more kids. You’re still young.
You can you will meet someone else/ find another husband/have
another child.
Children are not interchangeable or replaceable and neither are
People not interchangeable or replaceable
He/she was just on loan to you from God.
The message is that God is so capricious that God will break our hearts at will just because God can. It also communicates to us and loved ones that they are not really entitled to their grief.
They did what they came here to do and it was their time to go.
God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.
This is not how we feel right now. Some people actually do get a lot more than any one person should ever have to handle.
And it doesn’t come from God. Some will underestimate someone’s grief with a “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” mentality.
Your loved one lived a good, long life, many people die young.
Maybe they did, maybe not but it wasn’t long enough for us.
Some people think when someone lives to a ripe old age, there’s no cause for grieving when they pass away.
But “the mourner is likely thinking, ‘However long I had my loved one wasn’t long enough,’”
“At least he or she was old enough to live a full life.”
How old would old “enough” be?
Your loved one is in a better place now.
(There is no better place for my loved one than with me).
After a long illness, it’s natural for our friends and family to feel relieved that the person isn’t suffering anymore. But we may not be thinking or feeling along those same lines. Plus, we may not share your beliefs on what happens after death. “When someone says this to us the first thing we think is yes, ‘a better place for my loved one is here, so why should I agree he should be elsewhere?’
He or She brought this on themselves.
It was their fault
(Sometime will hear this when someone smoked and passed because of
C.O.P.D., Lung Cancer, etc.)
Everything happens for a reason, life goes on.
When you lose someone you love, it’s difficult to agree that their death was part of some grand cosmic plan. “They need to be careful not to make assumptions, as everyone reacts differently according to their
age, gender, personality, culture, value system, past experience with loss and available support,”
I know how you feel
(I think this is one of the worst things they can say, because they never really know how someone else feels. And it tends to make grievers angry).
Even if they lost someone in the past, they can’t know exactly how someone else feels because they are not in that person’s skin. It might also end up offending. For example, they may have truly adored there
dog that recently died, but equating that to losing your loved one can sting. “And can’t compare losses,” “You can be in similar situations, but saying
‘I understand your loss’ gets them in trouble because they could be comparing a big loss with a small one.”
Have seen this a few times myself where it is compared to a loss of a pet.
You’ll get through it, you must be strong now.
Telling us not to cry and to hold in their feelings, we need to fully express their grief before they can heal. Telling someone to pull themselves together quickly isn’t helpful. Such statements imply that it’s wrong to feel bereft, which is a perfectly natural response.
Time heals all wounds.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds, although healing takes time.
It’s been a while, aren’t you over it yet?
Remember there is no time on this journey and not clock and everyone is different.
It’s been [six months, one year, etc.]; it’s time to move on.
People never stop grieving for a lost loved one. Affixing a deadline to mourning is insensitive and does nothing to help people learn to live through their loss.
Try to look for the good in the situation. Be positive.
Try not to cry. He or she wouldn’t want you to cry.
Don’t cry as it will upset your mother/father/sister/brother .
Creates a sense of guilt and a burden of responsibility
Stop crying; you’re only making it worse.
Expressing emotions, even strongly if so inclined, is a natural, normal, and healthy reaction to death.
Everything will be okay.
It all happened for the best.
This can feel shockingly painful. Never knew there was a best time for this to happen.
It is time to put this behind you now or don’t dwell on it.
This is spoken to many children and teens by adults besides widows and widowers. There is no time line to grief. We all grieve in our own way and for as long as we need to. Children regrieve at each developmental stage. Grief really never ends, but it changes. The acute pain dissipates in time,
yet on holidays, special days, and other times it can feel just as acute as when the loss first occurred. “People think we should be done grieving after a couple of months to a year,” People have to respect a person’s individual mourning process and also understand that grief can rise up on birthdays and holidays and from other reminders. “Grief isn’t something you get over” “It’s something you learn to live with.” And can feel fresh for a long while.
You have your whole life ahead of you.
Many grievers don’t even know if they can or want to go on another minute or hour in this pain, so when they say have a whole life to live without our loved one is not helpful at all.
At least he or she is out of pain and not suffering any more.
Whatever the circumstances were, the bereaved person is still suffering and in pain.
Something good will come of this.
It probably will and even if it doesn’t most people would trade the good that came from it for the person they lost in a moment.
Now you are the man/woman of the house.
This is a heavy burden to place on a child or teen. This has caused much pain in many children and teens. Often the extents of these damaging words are not realized till years later. Often teen girls or boys not only deal with the loss of a parent, but also have to take on many more responsibilities around the house which often leads to feelings of resentment on top of their raw grief.
They now need to deal with secondary losses and don’t need us to tell them they are adults, when they are not.
I’m sure you did all you could.
Some feel they should acknowledge the heroic efforts of those who nursed loved ones through illness, but should refrain from saying this because some don’t know the full details of the relationship. What if the mourner resented the care giving role had a strained relationship with the deceased or feels guilty for not always being loving with the sick person? The best way to express this: “I’ve never seen anyone care for a loved one more completely than you have.”
You’re lucky. At least you have money, you’re young and attractive, they didn’t commit suicide, etc.
Loss is always horrible. Comparing misfortunes to others’ or to alternate scenarios won’t make the person feel better.